Spend a little time around youth activities (sports, arts, music, dance) and you’re sure to hear someone accuse a parent of “living their life through their kids”. I know I have said it about people and I am certain that people have said it about me. But what does that really mean? As I reflect on that statement, I want to pay tribute to my son, Ronnie Marion Phillips, III (Trey) on his Senior Night for his football team.
Trey was born a month before I turned 20 years old. The circumstances weren’t ideal and the OB/GYN even found a cyst on his brain that required months of testing. We would have kept him no matter what, but it was a scary time for young parents. I was a kid preparing to be a Dad and had recently buried a friend from an accidental overdose. Trey was my everything during those early years. With all the mess swirling around my life during that season, one thing was for sure in my mind — my son would have a committed father. He would be his own person and have a better life than I did. That was a bold goal, but since it was my only meaningful goal at the time, I was going to do what I had to do to protect him and push him to be his best. This was long before I became “Pastor Ronnie” or was even following the Lord.
Growing up a preacher’s kid was not easy, especially at Central Baptist Church during the 1980’s. My Dad walked into a mess in 1979 and it took years for all the mess he inherited to be revealed. It was not easy seeing people attack your parents or treat you differently because of them, but that was a consistent part of my childhood. I was always aware people were watching me and I was determined to raise my son to not give a flip about what other people thought. Although my childhood had plenty of good memories, the struggles were very real. As a Dad still dealing with the past, I felt the need to protect my son from church. Yes, you read that right. I felt the need to protect him from church and church people. If he was ever to face opposition from someone, I wanted to prepare him to be mentally tough enough to bust right through it. I wanted to arm my son with toughness, a work ethic, a strong intellect, and a passion to help others. Most importantly, I wanted him to know the real Jesus, not the one most religious people offer the world. I was blessed to watch him accept Christ as Savior and baptize him in 2009.
My mistakes….
When Trey turned 11, I quickly realized that much of his accomplishments were more about his mother and me proving we were good parents than about him. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit revealed this wrong outlook to me. The constant pushing made my son everything you would want a son to be, but hurt our relationship for a few years. You see, I coached Trey in everything he ever did. He was good at all of it, but especially football. I was hard on him, but we had some magnificent times. Grades had to be perfect, behavior had to be perfect, and he had to make every play and win every game. In my quest to give my son a better life and prepare him for his future, I had forgotten to let him discover who he was and fail. At a prayer meeting at my house nine years ago, I asked my son to forgive me. It took a few years, but he did.
When Trey was born, he was a very large baby. I’ll never forget taking him to meet the parents of my childhood friend who played college football. His parents said, “Ronnie has got him a football player.” Trey would average 6 tackles for loss as a little league football player. We won Superbowls, All-star games, but most of all, we spent time together. I was not a preacher during Trey’s early years, so he saw his Dad get nose to nose with people and he has seen a side of me my other boys have never seen. That is both good and bad, because he has inherited some of those qualities (🙂).
His talent, character, and academic ability gave him the opportunity to go to McCallie School to learn and play football. McCallie is the number one private school in the state and one of the top institutions in the country. I am thankful to the administration for their belief in him, because we could have never sent him there without their support.
I’ll never forget when I was in 7th grade, I had a chance to go to Baylor School after attending a football camp led by some young coach named Ralph Potter. I had never met a coach like him who was hard- nosed, committed to winning, but also cared about his players. My parents couldn’t afford to pay the 50% offered to me in 1993 and I truly didn’t want to leave my teammates I had been playing with, but I never forgot that coach. Fast forward 20 years and I take my son to the McCallie School full pad football camp for rising middle school kids. I watched my son dominate the other 5th graders so much as a defensive lineman that they moved him up with the sixth graders, and then the seventh graders, and eventually the 8th graders. I saw Coach Newman hugging him and smacking him on the helmet. It was a proud moment for me as a Dad. What is even more remarkable is that same coach that I had met as a 7th grade student, (now a little more gray) Coach Ralph Potter, came up to me and said, “Mr. Phillips, please tell me you aren’t going to send this boy to Soddy Daisy (my high school) like your Dad did you, are you?” I was floored that a guy that had coached NFL players like Jalen Ramsey, many college players, and a host of talented high school players over the years remembered me and was showing interest in my son. It was a full circle.
People told me that if I sent Trey to play football at McCallie he would never play until he was a senior, that they recruit and they would replace him after he became the starter, and the list goes on. None of that has been my experience. In fact, I was of the opinion that my son would have a better chance to discover who God called him to be at McCallie than even at a Christian school. Right or wrong, my childhood experiences formed that opinion and at McCallie, nobody cares what Trey Phillips’ Dad does for a living.
Coach Ralph Potter, Coach Newman, and the amazing staff at McCallie have been a perfect fit for my son. Coach Potter is old school tough, wants to win, doesn’t do Daddy ball or booster club ball, and is not into any nonsense. He is a great coach and my son has discovered his passion for coaching by being under him and Coach Newman. I will be forever grateful for the lessons these coaches have taught him along with the passion they instilled in him.
Last Friday night I stood beside a grown man who has started 38 games and counting on the Offensive Line for the Blue Tornado. Unfortunately, he didn’t make it to 6’2 and is built just like I was at that age (poor guy). He is stubborn as an oak tree, tough as nails, smart as a whip, and truly is his own person spiritually, politically, and mentally. This grown man has plenty of faults just like his Dad and some days his stubbornness challenges mine, but then I look back and remember the first real goal I ever had at 20 years old; that Trey would be his own person and have a better life than I did. That goal has come to fruition. He will graduate this year and it will be time for him to take responsibility for the rest of his journey towards a better life.
I can honestly say I lived my life through my son and you know what? I’m ok with that. If you think about it, God lived his life through his son too!
John 3:16
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 5:26
25 Very truly I tell you, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live. 26 For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself.
Trey, I know this will embarrass you, but I hope you know how much I love you, how proud of you I’ve always been, and how excited I am to see what you do with the rest of your life. There will be bumps, mistakes, haters, and heartache along the way, but God will carry you through to your destiny if you seek Him first. I love you “Squeeze”.
